Emotionally Available-ish: Parenting When You’re STILL a Hot Mess Inside (Emphasis on the Hot)

POV: It’s Monday morning, you’ve spent your weekend being a free Uber service for your child to attend every extracurricular activity known to human kind, you have yet to even gulp a morsel of coffee but your child is melting down because their Cheerios have ran out and they are feeling far from cheery, and your inner voice- already hanging by a thread from the upstairs battle of getting dressed for school- is screaming, “It’s just cereal! We are out of emotional coupons today!”

Welcome to parenting when you haven’t exactly mastered emotional regulation.

The Paradox of Parenthood

It’s a wild thing, really. We’re expected to be emotionally available for tiny humans while still trying to untangle our own inner knots, many of which were lovingly passed down from generations of well-meaning emotional avoiders.

Hi, Mum. Yes, I did inherit the “let’s bottle it up and smile” gene. Thanks for the gift that keeps on giving (and giving and giving until I finally reach burnout and then start the cycle again).

If you’re like me, you want to show up for your child with presence, empathy, and maybe even a InstaMum-worthy patience. But sometimes, your nervous system is stuck in “fight, flight, or feed them snacks until it passes.”

Where the Work Starts (Spoiler: It’s With You)

In Scattered Minds, Dr. Gabor Maté brilliantly exposes how our own unhealed trauma and emotional dysregulation can filter through into our parenting. He reminds us that our child’s behaviour is never the real issue- it’s our reaction to it that matters most.

Maté says,

“Children do not get traumatised because they are hurt. They get traumatised because they are alone with the hurt.”

So what does it mean… To be emotionally available, we don’t have to be perfect- we have to be present.

(Which is good, because perfect was never on the menu.)

But How Do You Stay Present When You Want to Flee to The Bathroom?

Enter: Lisa Bilyeu’s “Frame of Reference.” In her refreshingly honest approach to self-work, Bilyeu encourages us to stop reacting out of old programming. She talks about reframing your narrative- not from a place of blame, but from a place of empowerment.

So instead of spiralling into “Why can’t I be more patient?”, try:
“What frame am I viewing this moment through? And can I zoom out a little before I snap?”

The Frame of Reference is helpful for so many scenarios, not only parenting, and if you haven’t heard it before, I recommend you have a look!

Tools That Help (Even When You’re 3 Cups of Coffee In and Still Anxious)

Use Micro-Moments of Repair
You WILL mess up. (Let’s normalise apologising to our kids, shall we?) “I got really upset earlier. That wasn’t fair. I’m working on it.” This is key for me. I’m not sure about you guys, but the older generation seems to have an allergy to an apology! Me? I love it, I love admitting I’m in the wrong and I could of done better, it’s not an to use as an excuse but a recognition that this is what I need to work on!
Name It to Tame It (Seriously)
Label your feelings out loud: “Wow, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.” You teach your child emotional intelligence and give yourself a pause button.
Create Your Calm Corner
Not for them- for you. Whether it’s your car, the bathroom, or your phone’s “Do Not Disturb” mode, have a mini escape hatch to breathe for 2 minutes without Jurassic on Netflix with all the roaring in the background (God I hate it, someone tell me when he will watch something else!?)
Therapy, Journalling, and Breathwork
I know. Not glamorous. But neither is yelling into a pillow at 10 p.m. because you’ve had a bad day at work, and your child drew lipstick over your freshly painted walls. I will go into the benefits of journalling in a separate post because it’s something so simple and has so many benefits!
Play Detective with Your Triggers
That moment your kid’s tantrum sends you to what feels like new realms of the universe? There’s probably a tiny you inside going, “We weren’t allowed to cry either.” Get curious, not furious. Acknowledge your own Frame of Reference and allow yourself to grow through it.

The Heart of It All

Being emotionally available doesn’t mean you never lose it. It means you return. You repair. You see your child, even when your inner toddler is kicking and screaming alongside them.

You don’t have to be healed to love well. You just have to be willing to keep growing even if your growth looks more like a lopsided houseplant than a blooming lotus.

So the next time your child is losing it over cereal or life or absolutely nothing, take a breath. Remember your frame. Channel your inner Maté. And if all else fails, hug them, hand them a snack, and go cry-laugh in the pantry whilst eating a tub of B&J in secret!

We’ve got this. Well… ish.

Hi, I'm Emilia Isabelle