One Household, Many Realities: Understanding Our Unique Experiences

Have you ever heard someone say, “But you had the same parents!” usually in response to siblings who seem to remember their childhoods in vastly different ways? On the surface, it may seem puzzling but once you understand this, living under the same roof does not mean growing up in the same world, you are able to react and respond with more compassion.

Dr. Gabor Maté, renowned trauma expert, reminds us that

“Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

It’s not only external events, but how we experience and process them, that shape us. This simple truth helps explain why two people can live through the same situation but walk away with entirely different internal narratives

Different, Same Parent

Even within the same household, siblings often experience different versions of their parents. Why? Because parents themselves are not the same version of themselves. I recognise this myself whilst I only have one child, I am self-aware enough to recognise my experience would be completely different if I had another child. My son is being brought up by a single mother who works full-time and currently lives under the same roof as my parents. I fled domestic abuse and whilst I’m on the upward trajectory in all aspects of my life now, I acknowledge that I have been a mother who was overwhelmed and unsupported particularly in my sons early years, leading to stricter boundaries and struggling with my emotional availability. This would be a completely different experience if I were to be a parent now because all my circumstances have changed- I have financial stability and am no longer surviving in flight or fight mode. Whilst this may make me feel guilty at times, it is my truth that I carry with me.

This can be true of all children growing up with siblings. Imagine growing up as the eldest child during a period of financial struggle and marital tension. You might not remember the details or been witness to it physically, but you may have felt the tensions that led to the home filled with stress and responsibility. Your younger sibling, born after the storm has passed, may remember a more relaxed household with more laughter and attention. The same house. The same parents. But different environments, different parenting styles, and different outcomes.

The Recognition of the Impact of Birth Order

Birth order plays a role, too. The first child is often the “experiment,” by default as we develop our parenting styles and learn how to parent. Future children might benefit from the financial development of their parents that their older siblings did not- or they may suffer from a lack of attention as parents juggle more responsibilities. Each child enters the family at a different phase of their parents’ lives. This timing can influence everything from emotional attunement to disciplinary approaches.

Emotional Attunement

So what is understood by emotional attunement – In accordance to Dr Gabor Maté it’s the ability of a caregiver to understand and respond to a child’s emotional needs. A parent going through grief, depression, or burnout may not be capable of this level of connection, even if they love their child deeply. That child, sensing the emotional absence, may internalise it as a personal inadequacy, which later manifests in adulthood and is passed down through generations without inner work.

Never Let Others Define Your Experience

Given these variables, it’s vital to recognise that no one else gets to tell you how to feel about your past or your pain. Your experience is valid, even if someone else- remembers things differently.

Others may minimise or dismiss your recollections because they simply can’t see what you saw, feel what you felt, or carry what you carry. But healing requires acknowledging your truth, not distorting it to fit someone else’s narrative.

Embracing Individual Truths

Our stories are shaped by so many factors: the emotional state of our caregivers, the stability of our environment, the era in which we grew up, and even our own temperaments. What’s empowering is understanding that your experience is yours alone- and that’s enough.

In the words of Gabor Maté:

“The essence of trauma is disconnection from the self.”

To reconnect, we must first honour our own stories.

Hi, I'm Emilia Isabelle