Hi, I'm Emilia Isabelle

Pulling Myself Back

Lately, I’ve found it harder than usual to pull myself back to myself. It feels like I’ve slipped somewhere just out of reach, watching my own life from a slight distance and not feeling present in the moment.

I’ve lost interest in everything and everyone. I don’t want to get dressed up, I don’t have the energy to go out, and honestly, all I want to do is sleep.

But if you were to ask me if I’m happy, and the answer is yes. I am. I’m the luckiest lady alive in so many ways. I’ve got a happy, healthy son. I’ve got a job I genuinely enjoy. I’m nearly finished renovating my home. On paper it’s all good, in fact, better than good, and yet my heart hasn’t quite caught up.

It’s not one thing; it’s a culmination of many. This time of year in particular, Christmas especially, hits me harder than most. I know I’m not the only single parent who feels this. Doing the school shows alone can feel embarrassing, even when I know it shouldn’t. Taking my son to see Santa and the photographs being only me and him. The presents under the tree I’ve carefully chosen and wrapped alone in the quiet evenings by myself. It brings up grief for the life I thought I’d have, the picture I’d painted in my head, and the helplessness that I’m still not any closer to creating it.

Yet, other days, I reflect, and I’m so proud of the life we do have and the life I’ve created for us, and the whole narrative is flipped. It’s very much the “I really did that” mindset, but for now, it’s a void, grief, and pain that I have to go through because blips in mood happen, and it’s normal.

Maybe this time, instead of scrambling for an umbrella and trying to fight my way through, I just need to stand still for a moment. Let it pass, feel it without forcing myself to “fix” it. Maybe pulling myself back doesn’t need to be an act of force, and instead, maybe it can be an act of patience.